yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
