By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
