Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize