Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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