HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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