dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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