true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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