You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
