I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
