Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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