i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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