Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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