Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
