R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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