I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
