You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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