my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
