Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
