insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
