last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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