It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
