I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
