I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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