Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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