you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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