The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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