Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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