my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
