if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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