Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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