i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
