Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
