Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
