Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
