Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
