Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
