I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
