I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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