I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
