I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
