My liver just broke up with me...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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