After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
