I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
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Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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