I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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