I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Alive.
So much puke
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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