he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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