i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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