I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
