Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i will never coherently bang her
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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