I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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