I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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