i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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