This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize